The Artemis Fowl Disclaimer Showdown
by Agent Sapphire
Summary: Artemis Fowl and friends have been taken to a wierd place. Can they be saved by the mysterious Colfer-Man?


**The Artemis Fowl Disclaimer Showdown**

**Disclaimer:**

Artemis Fowl stood on the edge of a high bridge over a factory. He was trembling and had a gun pointed at his back by a figure dressed in a ninja costume. Behind him was everyone in the Artemis Fowl series, dead or alive, drugged and tried to a wall. In Artemis' hand there was a card.

"Read it!" insisted the ninja clothed person. "Or your friends will die! Again for some of them, but they will still die!"

"Fine," sighed Artemis. "I am stupid, my butt is stupid, my face is stupid, my girlfriend is Chix, my hair is stupid and my favourite colour is stupid. Stupid is the name of the colour, not a description of it. Are you happy now?"

The ninja giggles and claps their hands.

"Yep, but I need you to say the next card now. Oh yeah, but before you do that, I need you to kiss Chix and get married. You're the bride!"

The ninja, who appeared to be a girl, snapped her fingers and Chix woke up.

"You do know we can still hear you when we're knocked out," he said. "And now I have a headache."

"Shut up and start getting married!" ordered the girl ninja. A wedding dress appeared on Artemis and the bridge turned into a chapel. The wedding music started playing.

Meanwhile, Eion Colfer sat at his desk. He was reading a worrying news report that had been sent to his desk by his secretary, Shane. (Not all secretaries are women called Shirley) It said that Artemis Fowl the 2nd and his friends had been kidnapped. "To the library!" shouted Colfer as he ran out the room into his library room. He pulled the secret lever to reveal a hidden door. He stepped into the room behind it and into a massive tube. A massive whirring sound started and when it finished, a different man stepped out of the tube.

"Go Colfer-Man!" he shouted. Because what people don't realise is that the Artemis Fowl books are real; it even says so on the back. And to protect his friends, Eion Colfer became the super hero known as Colfer-Man!  
>"Colfer-Man away!" he shouted as he jumped out the window. Unfortunately, flying wasn't one of his super powers and he plummeted to the ground. Luckily, he was only on the first floor, so he got up and ran to the garage. "In the Lollypop Mobile!" he yelled as he got in his car, which had pictures of lollypops painted on. And to the factory he sped. In fact he sped too much. He was fined for speeding and got a point on his licence.<p>

In the factory, the wedding had just finished.

"You must now kiss the bride!" ordered the ninja who was being a vicar.

"NO!" shouted Chix. "I always wanted to do this, but this is NOT how I imagined it!"  
>"You always wanted to kiss me?" asked Artemis. "I don't think we have ever met actually!"<p>

"No," sighed Chix, with the air of somebody explaining something very simple to a stupid child. "I always wanted to get married, but I imagined it being of my own choice."

"Oh," said Artemis.

"KISS ALREADY!" shouted the ninja. "OR I WILL KUNG-FU YOU ALL!"

"I don't think ninjas do kung-fun," said Juliet, who had woken up by the magic of magic.

"Oh well," sighed the ninja. "ARE YOU TWO GOING TO KISS OR WILL I HAVE TO MAKE YOU?"

"How would you make us?" asked Chix.

"With my magic pen of magic!" whispered the ninja.

"Um, why did you whisper that?" said Root in his indoor voice, otherwise known as shouting. He then exploded in a ball of rage, because he realised that he'd forgotten to take his camera so he could video the wedding. Then he really exploded.

"BECAUSE!" roared the lion, who had popped from nowhere.

"I have stolen the magic pen, so now what I write comes true!" explained a snoring banana, which was actually the ninja in disguise. Then, Chix grabbed Artemis and kissed him, while screaming insults at the ninja.

"OH NOES!" yelled the ninja. "Chix is sad!" she hastily scribbled something in a notebook and a beautiful sprite appeared next to Chix. "CHIX IS FUNNY!" explained the ninja, who was singing opera while bouncing on a pogo stick. Chix got married and lived happily ever after. He then died.

"Right!" screamed the ninja in Grubs ear. "READ THE CARD! THEN I WILL OWN YOU!"

"I DON'T WANT TO!" said Artemis as he farted so loud that they heard it on the moon.

"OK!" said the ninja, who was now dressing butler up as a baby. She wrote in the notebook and a group of really fat penguins appeared. "If you don't, these penguins will fart." She threatened

"Ok, you win!" said a worried Artemis.

"WAIT!" sang the ninja to the tune of the 'I like Trains' song. She wrote in the notebook and suddenly Artemis' name changed to Fartemis. "Continue!" she yodelled.

"Everyone here belongs to…" Fartemis began, but then Colfer-Man arrived!

"Stop!" he yelled. Then with a magic rubber he rubbed out the ninja!

"YAY! Cheered everyone. "Go Colfer-Man!"

"Don't worry, I'll always be here to save you!" said Colfer-Man. "Now, lets sort out that disclaimer. All of the characters belong to Eion Colfer. GOODBYE!" and with that sorted out, Colfer-Man tried to fly away! Note the tried. He still can't fly remember?

"Now," said Holly. "What were we doing? Oh yes, that Fic. Places everyone!"

Announcer steps out from thin air. "I'm sorry but we are out of time. We will have to skip today's Fic. See you next time!" they say and disappear.

**A/N: **I think it has been done before, but I wanted to write this. I'd like reviews but this isn't a series, so it's ok if you don't review. I hope you liked it.


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